Is your baby, toddler, or child suffering from separation anxiety at bedtime or in the night?
Separation anxiety is a normal part of child development, but it can be hard to know how to help your little one get the sleep they need while still meeting their emotional needs.
I have some tips for how to help ease your child’s separation anxiety, making it more manageable for everyone.
What is Separation Anxiety?
Separation anxiety is a completely normal and expected part of child emotional development. Children with separation anxiety want to be close to a parent as much as possible and get upset when separated from their parents for even a short time. This is, in fact, a sign of a healthy attachment between parent and child.
Separation anxiety typically starts to occur around 4-7 months of age, when your baby develops “object permanence”, meaning they start to realize that things continue to exist even when they’re not in sight.
So, now when you’re out of sight, your baby understands that you’re somewhere else and that they’d prefer to be with you. They don’t understand the concept of time, so they don’t know when – or even if – you’re coming back. This can obviously cause your baby some anxiety or even panic.
Some children experience separation anxiety as babies, while others go through it as toddlers. And still other children may struggle with it into elementary school.
Your child may scream at bedtime, not wanting you to go, and then they may wake up looking for you in the middle of the night.
Rest assured, this is normal, it’s natural, and it’s a sign that your little one is learning and that they have a secure attachment to their parent.
But we still want to help alleviate at least some of this anxiety your child is experiencing.
Most children that are having separation anxiety are experiencing it at sleep times AND throughout the day. So, I find it’s best to deal with the separation anxiety as a whole in order to help solve the problem in its entirety.
Here are 8 tips to help ease your child’s separation anxiety:
1. Lead by Example
Your child follows your cues, so if you’re not willing to let them out of your sight, they may (unconsciously) feel like they’re not safe if you’re not in the room. So, designate a room where they can explore a little and play without your direct supervision. It’s a small adjustment, but it can make a big difference.
2. Don’t Avoid It
Learning about separation and reunion is an important milestone, so don’t just take the path of least resistance and stay with your child 24/7 until they’re seven years old. The longer you avoid it, the harder it’ll be for your child to overcome their fear. Let them know that it’s okay for them to get upset when you leave and reassure them that you’ll always come back when you do. If there are some tears around it, that’s alright. This is an important concept that they need to get on board with.
3. Prepare Your Child Ahead of Time
Talk about the event with your child ahead of time in terms that they’ll understand. Tell them when you’ll be going and when you’ll be back in regard to their schedule – after nap time, before bed, after supper, etc.
4. Start Slow
Once your little one has started to demonstrate the understanding that they’ll be spending some time with someone besides a parent, make it a short outing. Plan to be away for an hour or two for at least the first few attempts. Then gradually start increasing the time you’re away.
5. Start With Someone Familiar
Kids typically do a little better being left with a grandparent or family friend who they’ve already spent some time with, and who they’ve grown to trust a little. And rather than dropping your child off, it may be helpful to have the family member or friend stay with your child at your house for at least the first few attempts.
6. Establish a Goodbye Routine
Much like bedtime, a solid predictable goodbye routine helps your little one recognize and accept the situation. Let your child help you decide on a short goodbye routine – a set number of kisses and hugs, a memorable key phrase, or a hi-five – and practice it ahead of time. Your goodbye routine should be just the right balance of short and reassuring.
7. Keep Goodbyes Brief, Calm and Confident
When it’s time for you to leave, remind your child where you’re going and when you’ll be back. Try not to linger and don’t try to sneak out without your child knowing. Calmly and confidently say goodbye and then leave. If there’s any protest or tears, don’t go back as it can reinforce the idea that there’s something to be worried about, which can increase your child’s anxiety. If you’re concerned, you can check in with the caregiver later to see that your child has settled down.
8. Praise Your Child
When it’s time to reunite with your child, praise them for staying with the caregiver. Use specific praise such as, “Katie, you had a great time playing with Grandma when I went to get groceries.” If you think it might be helpful, you can also use rewards to help encourage and motivate your child.
Nothing is going to prevent your child from getting a little bit upset when you leave, but these tips will help keep the fuss to a minimum.
Now, I should add here that these techniques are suggested for kids who are dealing with ordinary, everyday separation anxiety. There is also a condition called Separation Anxiety Disorder which is obviously more serious and should be addressed with your child’s pediatrician.
But for the typical separation anxiety that comes with child development, these tips should help solve the problem. Be consistent, supportive, assertive, and calm. Before long, your child will understand the concept of you leaving and coming back.
Want personalized support helping your child learn how to fall asleep confidently and independently in their own crib or bed? Contact me for your Free Sleep Evaluation to learn how I can help.