Can you practice Attachment Parenting and still Sleep Train your child?
In my opinion, sleep training and attachment parenting are not mutually exclusive. You can sleep train your child and still keep amazing attachment.
If you’re not familiar with attachment parenting, it’s a parenting philosophy that was made popular by Drs. William And Martha Sears. The approach advocates baby-wearing, bed-sharing, breastfeeding on demand until the child weans independently, and that you answer every cry immediately. The theory suggests that by doing all these things, you will create a strong attachment between mom and baby, which will result in well-adjusted children who grow up happy, healthy, and contributing members of society.
Now, that sounds wonderful. And as parents, I think we all want to have healthy attachment with our children. But in my opinion, this puts a lot of pressure on moms.
I believe that it does take a village to raise a child, but many of us don’t have a village. And so when any mom takes on this kind of workload, it can really wear her down.
We could have a lengthy discussion about the pros and cons of this theory, but at the end of the day there’s really no strong evidence that shows that attachment parenting is any better or any worse than another other parenting style out there.
The 7 B’s of Attachment Parenting
Dr. Sears has the 7 B’s, which is a list of the basic principles of attachment parenting:
1. Birth Bonding
2. Breastfeeding
3. Baby Wearing
4. Bedding Close to Baby
5. Belief in the Language Value of a Baby’s Cry
6. Beware of Sleep Trainers
7. Balance
The first three have nothing to do with sleep training. You can bond with your baby as much as you want. You can absolutely breastfeed your baby (I breastfed my sleep-trained babies until they were 10-12 months old and I was ready to end my breastfeeding journey). And baby wearing can be particularly helpful in the first three months of life. Anything beyond that, I would suggest that if you want to wear your baby, that you do so while they are awake, and lay them down to sleep on a flat surface for better quality sleep.
The next three are the ones that cause attachment parenting advocates to be a bit leery of sleep training.
What About Bed Sharing?
Bedding close to baby means bed sharing. The consensus from me, my collegues, and sleep experts around the globe is that babies (and parents) sleep better when they’re in their own bed. More people in bed means more movement, more movement means more wake ups, and more wake ups means lower quality sleep.
So is it possible to bed share and sleep train? No it’s not. Teaching babies to fall asleep independently isn’t possible when mom is right beside them at all times.
If you’d still like to keep your baby close, I suggest room sharing instead of bed sharing. So baby is in your room, but with their own sleeping space, such as a crib, nearby. This is a much safer option.
Let’s Talk About Crying
Next up – belief in the language value of a baby’s cry. Absolutely. Crying is how babies communicate their needs – that they’re hungry, they’re tired, or they need a diaper change. However, as a baby gets a little older, not only are they crying for needs, but they’re also crying for wants. Your 8-month-old really wants to eat a rock. You know that if he swallows that rock, he is likely to choke and obviously, you don’t want that. Now who’s going to win out here – your want or his? I hope it’s yours.
So yes, babies cry because they have needs but also because they have wants. And that doesn’t mean, that as a parent, we should give in to all of them.
When we sleep train a baby, we’re helping them learn how to fall asleep without their sleep prop. And guess what, they’re going to be upset. Most adults would be upset if we were asked to make changes to the way in which we fall asleep too. I’m sorry to say, but there’s just no way around it. I wish there was, but there isn’t.
“Beware of Baby Trainers”
Now for my least favourite of the B’s – beware of baby trainers. At the core of who we all are as sleep coaches, is that we are passionate about helping families. We’ve been there ourselves and we know how hard it is. We’ve experienced first-hand what it’s like to be utterly exhausted – physically, emotionally and mentally. We’ve seen how it impacted our marriage and relationships with our children. We know that there is a solution because we’ve experienced that part too. And we want to help you!
Balance
The final B is balance. I absolutely agree that there should be a balance between meeting your baby’s needs and as well as your own needs. But I find it difficult to see the balance in wearing your baby everywhere, breastfeeding them at the drop of a hat, sleeping beside them regardless of how many times you’re up in the night, and not ever letting them whimper for even one second. That feels out of balance to me.
Although the needs of our children are high on our priority list, we can’t lose sight of ourselves in all of this. Take care of yourself, get regular and sufficient rest, and nurture your marriage and your relationships with your children, friends and family.
This is one of my favourite quotes about parenting:
“There’s no good way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.”
Jill Churchill
Parents are unique just like all children are unique. There’s no perfect way to parent. And there’s way to ensure that our children are going to grow up and be successful, happy, and good contributors to society.
So if attachment parenting is your thing, more power to you. The best parenting style is the one that works for you and your family.
But if your little one isn’t sleeping and bed-sharing hasn’t solved it, I encourage you to start looking around and seeing if you can find something that makes sense to you.
If you think that sleep training may be what you’re looking for, I’ll be here with open arms. And if that’s not your thing, that’s ok too! Just do what you think is best for your little family.